19/10/2026
OCTOBER BUDGET UPDATE!
My prediction……
Minimum wage goes up, everyone briefly feels rich, then they tax the s**t out of us elsewhere. By the end of the speech you’ll be checking whether you can claim your own children as a business expense!
They’ll announce “support for small businesses”, and every business owner in the country will instinctively cover their wallet. It’s like when the dog goes quiet, you don’t know what’s happened yet, but you know it’ll be expensive!
Tax thresholds will stay frozen. We’ll all be in the higher tax bracket eventually, which will be a lovely achievement to think about while we’re adding water to the hand soap.
The “average household” will be £300 better off. Presumably a household with no heating, no car and a side hustle selling pictures of their feet.
There’ll be a new scheme to help businesses. To qualify, you’ll need fewer than three employees, a turnover of exactly £42, a premises with a thatched roof and a goat called Derek.
Then they’ll “simplify tax”. As an accountant, that’s usually my cue to cancel lunch and start a spreadsheet called “What the f**k does this mean”.
They’ll say “working people” 86 times. Small business owners won’t count, obviously. We just unlock the doors each morning for the sheer thrill of paying overheads.
Then out comes the red briefcase. At this point I’d prefer them to turn it upside down and shake it. There’s a decent chance the rest of my pension’s in there 🙃
What are your predictions? 😂