24/01/2020
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1843267939121738&id=300026440112570
Say bye to my husband as he goes out to work. Take the eldest to school. Just me and the 2 year old again. Alone.
What shall we do today? All alone.
Farm? Soft play? The park? Just us. I wonder if anyone fancies a brew?! But who is there to call?
Iāll just do some jobs, have a brew. What time is it? Shall we head out and get back for dinner? Where shall we go? Just us.
The loneliness creeps in. Should I ring my husband? No heās busy at work, I mustnāt disturb him. Who shall I message?
Iāll just scroll Facebook and maybe the gram. See if anyoneās about.
Should I message that mum from school? No sheāll be busy. You only know her to chat to, will she even want a brew?
We play some games. Read a book. Shall we watch some telly? Iāll just scroll Facebook again... get some contact with the world. Something other than these 4 walls.
Now itās dinner time. Maybe someone will be around after school?
Hi are you in this aft? x
No sorry.
Ok x
Why whatās up?
Nothing (not strictly true), was just seeing if you were free for a brew. x
No Iām not sorry.
Hi what you up2?
Just in town.
Ahh ok.
Why?
Just seeing if you were in and fancied a brew.
Are you home?
No Iām at work.
Itās just me, the toddler and these 4 walls today. Thereās always tomorrow.
No-one messages, maybe itās me. Maybe no-one wants to meet us. Itās ok. Iām ok. No adult company today. The loneliness is creeping in.
We pick the eldest up from school. If Iām lucky there might be a parent about for a chat. Only I canāt hold a full conversation as the youngest is clinging off me, running about. I need to keep my eye on her.
We go home and thereās now 2 little voices to contend with.
By the time my husband gets home from work, weāre eating tea. He joins us. We chat about nothing much. Iām exhausted.
Exhausted from being lonely.
Thereās always tomorrow for some company.
The days blur. The loneliness sinks in. So much so that even after youāve had company, you still feel lonely.
You stop asking if people are free. You stick to the 4 walls, your kids and your brew.
Itās the loneliness that numbs my brain. Does it numb anyone elseās? No conversations to make me think, to make my brain whir.
I forget how to interact with people. I canāt make new friends. The ones Iāve got donāt have time to meet up, why would anybody new? Itās ok. Iām ok.
The loneliness sinks deeper into my skin.
Thereās always tomorrow.